I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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