yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
