i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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