I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
