He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
