I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
