I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Four minutes until I can fart!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
