Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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