So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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