so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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