i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
