When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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