Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
