So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
