dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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