There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
