Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
