My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
