Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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