I met the friendliest cop last night
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
