we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
