the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
