Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
