I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?