Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
