I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating