I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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