I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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