keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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