never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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