I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
honey bunches of taint.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
