I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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