At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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