if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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