Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Randomize
