yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
someone threw a dead crab at me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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