There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
