Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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