i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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