Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
