hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
