Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
