I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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