My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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