I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
