Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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