My girlfriend figured out who you are.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
