woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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