So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
