So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
