I think my vagina is haunted
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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