I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
