I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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