Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
