I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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