My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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