I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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