I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
